Cosmic Red Dust
by anyadoll
Summary: A look at how our duo could handle the impending argument of There Will Be Blood.


**A/N**: Hey all, I know I should be working on Sangre (and like, a million other pressing things on my to do list) but I felt inspired to write this little oneshot, in preparation of the return of Lorelei. It's kind of angsty. Lyrics are "Cosmic Love" by Florence and the Machine. The quote is both the name of a band and a line from One Tree Hill that I've always loved.

**Cosmic Red Dust**

"I love you, but I've chosen darkness."

XOX

_And in the dark_

_I can hear your heartbeat, I try to find the sound_

_But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness_

_So darkness I became…_

XOX

Patrick Jane was not a stupid man. Never was, and never could be. His abilities were many, but his prized one was observation. He wielded it like a sword, bringing his perceptions down swiftly on his enemies and his friends alike. Akin to a magician who saw fit not to reveal his tricks in the end.

But just because he was observant didn't mean he could _see_ everything. He couldn't see her grasping for his attention, hoping for a glimmer of acknowledgement that meant he was still _hers. _

He had watched her change over the past year with strange curiosity. He knew why, of course, the change was happening. He just didn't understand its implications.

She'd let her hair grow astoundingly long for someone who'd always vied to be seen as 'one of the guys' and taken so seriously. She was a woman in a man's position after all. The mascara had been a bigger tip off; he was certain it was a splurge she would rather not have made, but he could see the faint traces of kohl eyeliner and bronze shadow. She highlighted her cheekbones, wore outfits that complimented her assets to their fullest extent. Everything from her rosy lips to her neutral painted nails screamed change.

It had its desired effect on the male populous, so used to seeing the no nonsense woman suddenly…well…a _woman_.

They didn't know the reason though. They couldn't know that the only attention she craved was his, and he was no less clued in than he had been ten years ago. The biggest setback was her own lack of knowledge. He didn't need to want her body, he wanted what she knew, which was very little.

The one thing Teresa Lisbon could not give Patrick Jane was Red John.

Lorelei Martins could. And Lisbon had spent the past year trying to measure up to a beautiful one night stand with a Red John acolyte.

He was different around the manipulative siren. Trusting, verging on caring, even. She'd only heard them kiss before. Witnessing it was different. Heartbreaking and earth shattering.

He could claim he was in it for the information, but she had her own powers of perception. Red John's mistress may have been sent to entice her angelic seeming consultant, but enticement had turned to lust, and lust into like.

She refused to believe he loved the snake. Because if he loved her, it was all over.

For a moment she thought they were getting somewhere. He'd allowed her in to his domain, to whittle the list of names down, to see his conspiracy wall full of red tape and bloody faces. He'd called her 'partner' like it meant something.

Now here they stood, in front of the very conspiracy board angry and doubtful and enraged once more.

The kiss had pushed her over the proverbial edge. Lorelei had walked into the CBI like it was just another day on the job. Like Lisbon wouldn't have her in cuffs the moment she smirked her way.

And now he wanted Lisbon to let her go.

The flush on her pale face had reached a new level of purple as she desperately tried to remain calm. He had no right to ask and he knew it.

He'd asked enough of her over the years, and she had little left to give.

"No. I refuse, Jane. You don't get to make that demand," she spat crossly.

"I need her Lisbon! She knows things about him that we don't!" he exclaimed. He'd tried to make his argument valid for the past twenty minutes, and was rather perplexed that she wouldn't budge on the matter.

"You mean things that I don't know, Jane. Because we all know you know more than you're letting on. How stupid do you really think I am?"

"Very, if you think keeping her locked up is doing us any good!"

"If she wanted to tell you anything, she already would have. She has no reason to keep her mouth shut now! You claim she went to confront Red John about her dead sister, but do you really think she would have come out alive, Jane? Or do you think he just brainwashed her a little more, fed her what she wanted to hear?"

"I won't know until I talk to her," he ground out, hands fisting darkly.

"Oh, no, you won't be talking to her. You're comprised Jane. You like her, it's written all over your face and you can't even deny it! Every time she appears, you turn into a teenager with a complete disregard for your safety or anyone else's! She's playing you Jane, and you won't let yourself see it!"

"I have the upper hand in this Lisbon, you know that!"

She shook her head, utterly abashed by his ego and his absurd denial. She wouldn't cave, wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Her resolve was firm on this, and hating the woman made it all that much easier.

She didn't realize she was laughing until she looked at Jane and the bizarre expression on his face. She probably seemed maniacal, laughing at such a time. Maybe she'd finally lost it, he'd finally pushed too hard and too far. It was bound to happen eventually.

"I've traded one abusive relationship for another," she stated quietly, a shrug in her tone. "I can't believe I didn't see it. All this time. But then, that makes sense, doesn't it? Daddy issues and all that psychology bull they throw at you."

Lisbon shook her head, not meeting his gaze. "I loved him too, you know, and that didn't save him. He didn't even care in the end. He still left us. Because we didn't matter." She looked up at Jane's curious expression, silenced by her words. "I get it, I get that I don't matter in your grand plan Jane. Hell, I've come to terms with it. You've said it yourself, you'll crush anybody that gets in your way, no matter who it is. Well I'm in your way Jane, so what are you going to do to me? What could you possibly do to crush me anymore than you have since you left the first time?"

His eyes were downcast and the shadows cast in the room bore an eerie presence. He sighed heavily, weighted by their fight. "Don't make me hurt you, Teresa."

It was whispered and it was sad, and she knew he didn't mean in the physical sense. She felt another puncture in her heart. So this would be how they ended then. She almost felt remiss not to add_ not with a bang, but with a whisper_.

"I won't let you help her," she whispered back, just as sadly. "You'll have to get through me if you want to try."

His pretty words had been lost on her years ago, and his manipulation was too easily seen through. Getting around Teresa Lisbon would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do.

He took one step forward, placing them less than a foot apart. His fisted hands relaxed, and instead grasped her upper arms in a bruising grip. She could disarm him at any time, he knew deep down. Could break him if she wanted too. Instead she stood still, breathing ragged and sharp.

He'd never seen her more serious in their time together. Utterly immovable.

Patrick Jane took in everything about her in that moment. Everything from the lengthy raven hair she wore down more than up now, the dark heaviness of her lashes over bright green eyes, the angry, disappointed purse of pink lips.

He would only ever bring her heartache. That was his curse.

Hers was martyring herself for causes like him, and it was time to set her free.

The bruising grip didn't relent. He pulled her closer, slowly, in fact. He didn't break her piercing gaze as she took him in like he had her. There were answers to unasked questions written in the lines of their faces, the kind that would never be spoken aloud.

His lips came down on hers, hard, demanding, almost as angry as the people themselves. There was nothing gentle about it. Nothing gentle about lashing tongues and the click of teeth against teeth, but she responded to him in kind.

It lasted until breath was gone and they were gasping for air. He loosened his grip until he'd freed her from it, from his grip on every part of her.

"I know," he said flatly. She wasn't sure what question he was answering in the myriad she'd thrown at him. All or none.

He pulled away, turned, back to her as he reached out for the door knob.

"If you walk out that door, Patrick, you lose everything you could have had. You get to live with the feeling of losing everything all over again. I won't take you back this time. We won't take you back. I won't be waiting for you."

It was her last hope.

She could feel his slight hesitation, until she heard the soft footfalls exit the room and the door click just as gently behind her.

XOX

He knew, for the very first time, that Teresa Lisbon was serious. Her pride wouldn't let her take him back. Her sense of martyrdom would keep her waiting for him though.

Patron Saint of lost causes she certainly was.

Her last words echoed cruelly in his mind. _You get to live with the feeling of losing everything all over again._

The kiss had surprised him. He hadn't meant to kiss her, especially not like that. He realized, a bit belatedly, that kissing Lorelei had been completely different. They had been obligatory kisses, surprising but given with a purpose, whether to persuade or hurt, there had been no feeling but hollowness. He hadn't wanted to leave Lisbon in the attic after practically attacking her lips. He wanted to continue, wanted to explore the boundaries of their tenuous relationship. For the first time since Angela, she had made him feel like he was _home._

His life was diverging in different paths once more, and he would have to choose one to follow. Did he take the road that led to Red John, courtesy of Lorelei and her manipulative ways absent of the team he'd come to know as family and the woman he trusted implicitly? Or did he take the other, the one that may lead him farther from his vengeance and closer to acceptance, the one that led him to the woman that waited so patiently for him to finally see her after all these years. The one his daughter so desperately wanted him to move on with.

Revenge or acceptance. Lust or loyalty.

Red John or Teresa.

XOX

_The stars, the moon_

_They have all been blown out_

_You left me in the dark_

_No dawn, no day_

_I'm always in this twilight_

_In the shadow of your heart…._

XOX

She'd tried to cry for the better part of an hour, with no success. The tears and anger she'd saved for Patrick Jane were gone. She'd never be what he needed. She would never measure up to a harpy with the answers he desired.

She sunk into her couch, too exhausted to so much as pick up her wineglass. Fighting with him was like a fighting a bull. No one really won in the end. She could no more save him from himself than she could save her father.

Her faux pas, she thought, was letting him know she loved him. His power of observation had certainly caught her choice of words. _I loved him too, you know, and that didn't save him._

Maybe one day she'd realize that love couldn't save anyone, least of all herself. There was just that small glimmer of hope that she couldn't let go of. The one she saw when he did little things for her, like the paper frog and the pony, the help with Volker and choosing her life over Hardy's so long ago already. He had to care, even if it was minute and indistinctive.

He could not be so heartless.

Their friendship, their partnership could not just crumble into cosmic dust.

XOX

It took him a month to finally face her. He had friends in the CBI, ones he hadn't burned bridges with. He knew how she was doing, how they were fairing on the Red John debacle. Lorelei was in federal prison, under constant supervision. She wouldn't be slipping away again, but Jane was sure it wouldn't be long before the viper joined the ranks of those that had come before her.

He waited on her porch, waiting for her to arrive home. Her headlight beams washed over him, sitting on the steps. He figured breaking in would probably not be the best way to win her over.

He saw her hesitation as she walked up the little path to her condo. "What did I tell you Jane?" she said tiredly. He could see the dark purple bruises under her eyes. She wasn't sleeping.

"You told me you wouldn't take me back. You said you wouldn't wait for me."

"Exactly. So why are you here Jane? Haven't you done enough? You have your little black book and you have your conspiracy wall and your assumptions. You have everything you need to find him. What more could you possibly want of me? Why can't you let me go?"

He swallowed, standing from his perch on her steps. "Because I can't do this without you. I can have all the resources and all the names and leads, and I still need you, Teresa. You're the one bright spot in all of this, and that is all that gets me through it."

She shook her head, biting her lip in frustration. "You should have thought about that before you walked out," she whispered harshly. "Please leave, Jane."

She moved to walk past him, and he stuck his arm out to block her path. She jumped back, startled. Her hand went to her gun, her eyes screaming seriousness.

"I won't leave," he said quietly, trying to make her understand his intentions.

"Tell me what you want so badly Jane? Tell me why you're keeping me in the dark. Tell me why is it so hard to get a straight answer from you?"

"I want you to be safe, Lisbon, safe and far away from someone like me. You deserve someone you don't have to fix or save. You deserve to live your life without a target on your back," he looked away. "But I'm too selfish to let you live like that. I don't want you to move on or get over me. I want you, all the time, Teresa. I want you to be there, if we ever get him."

She stared, wide eyed at her former consultant. "I don't trust you Jane, don't you understand that? I can't afford too. In my mind, all you want is access to Lorelei and all the knowledge you claim she has. You've given me no indication of anything else, so take your sob story to someone else," she pushed his arm. "Move Jane, before I shoot you."

"What will it take, to prove what I say is true? To gain your trust, Teresa?"

She shrugged sadly, her eyes conveying all the pain she'd spent a decade trying to hide. "Take back the last ten years."

It was his turn to laugh, darkly. "I've tried that, you know. And if anyone wishes actions and words and years could be taken back it's me. What I'm asking for is not to change the past, but to change the future. Our future, if you let me be a part of it. I will spend eternity gaining your trust Teresa, that I promise you," he gave a watery smile. "Have I ever broken a promise to you yet?"

"No," she replied. "And maybe that's what scares me most. Your promises are not always good Jane. You promised you'd always save me, and you've done your part. You promised you'd do anything to get to Red John, and you've proved that as much. You can't take back what you've done Jane. You can't take back sleeping with her, or helping her escape," she saw the flash of fear cross his face. "I thought as much," Lisbon stated absently. "I didn't think she was bright enough to pull off an escape like that all on her own. Nice touch, the car accident. Your plan, I'm sure. See Jane, I know your motives here. I know your reasons. No matter how I feel, you won't ever change."

"No, I probably won't. But of all the things I've done to you I only have one true regret."

"And what is that," she queried tiredly. Her bag weighed heavily on her shoulder and all she wanted was a hot bath and glass of wine. The last thing she needed today was a tit for tat with Jane. Arguing with him was like riding a carousel; it all came back around and around again and there was no way to get off.

"Lying to you, when you asked me if what I said was true. I couldn't admit it then, didn't want too. I've put you in enough danger, what was one more admittance right, and I couldn't even cop to it. I meant what I said that night. I meant the kiss in the attic. I mean everything I'm saying now, Teresa, whether you can believe me or not."

She felt her tired mind and tired body caving. No matter how many times she steeled herself against him, he was her weakness, her kryptonite. One day their relationship would get her killed, she was certain. It was all but written in the stars according to Jane and Lorelei and Red John. She'd never been one to run around screaming that one should live life like it's their last moment, but lately she was beginning to ruminate on the sentiment. It could be true for her. And someday she would be gone.

Did it mean she had to let her pride leave her lonely forever? She would never fully trust Patrick Jane, common sense and ten years had taught her that. He would always have a motive behind the mystery, and he would search to the ends of the earth for the madman that stole his family away. She knew he would also search the ends of the earth for _her_, and that was something.

She finally met his gaze, looking deep into the sorrowful blue depths. "I can't forgive you Jane, it's too soon for that. There's too much to forgive. And I can't guarantee that I will ever trust you the way you trust me, we're both too jaded for that. But I can accept your regret because it's mine too. We've run circles around each other for years and never crossed the line. Maybe that's the problem."

His face split into a small honest smile before his voice turned serious. "I know I'm not easy to trust or deal with, but I can't see myself with anybody else, Teresa, and I want you to know that that is the whole truth. No one could ever replace you."

She nodded imperceptibly. "Okay."

"Okay," he added, placing the palm that had blocked her entry on her cheek lightly.

"Why don't we go inside Jane, figure this out," Lisbon said with a coy gleam in her eye.

"Why Teresa Lisbon, are you propositioning me?" he joked, following her as she pushed her key into her door.

"What would you do if I was?" she questioned lightly.

"Oh, I'm sure I can think of a few things," he answered in kind, hand resting on the small of her back as they crossed the threshold.

"There's one promise I need you to make to me Patrick, one you can never take back," Teresa said, all business once more. "If you do, we're done, for good."

"Anything," he replied quickly.

"Don't ever leave me in the dark again."

He pulled her close, whispering in her ear.

"We're both already in the darkness, my dear."

XOX

_I took the stars from your eyes_

_And then I made a map_

_And knew that somehow I could find my way back_

_Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too_

_So I stayed in the darkness with you…_


End file.
